A blog comment I wrote in response to a post at NoTitles:
I started writing a response to your question here yesterday but it quickly deteriorated into a miserable lament and I realised I was rather pissed off at the world, and I wasn’t sure that that was how I wanted to portray myself online.
But at any rate, to give you the general dynamics of it, I wanted to be a rockstar. Waking up at 6am on the weekends to watch pop music videos on television probably planted the seed. And then I went through that obligatory teenage high school poetry thing, only at the time Tori Amos and Alanis Morisette were there in the background and I decided I wasn’t writing poetry, I was wrting lyrics. And it was this great exploration of my own emotional terrain. But I didn’t know much about music. I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t know how to make it work. I loved to sing but even this became a secretive activity after being criticised one too many times…
Eventually I borrowed this book on music theory and composition from the library. I decided I would spend the two weeks of school holidays I had around Easter and do nothing but study that book. And it helped. I think I made more headway in those two weeks than I had in the whole rest of my teenage existence… lol. And good things flowed out of it. I eventually created a multimedia CD-ROM with original lyrics, music (notated on computer and played back through the wonder of MIDI technology), photographs and even a little video. But I really struggled with bringing the music and lyrics together. I had this CD-ROM with lyrics and music, but none of it went together.
I actually studied music business management and audio production at a university level. I knew I didn’t have the chops to be a musician, but I wanted to be involved in that industry. And those studies were amazing… I’ll never regret doing it. But when I graduated I quickly discovered that opportunities were very limited and competition was fierce. Living (then) in the most expensive city in Australia and being told that I might have to work on a ‘trial’ basis for six months for no pay was not the most inspirational thing. So I returned to my home town and took the first job I was offered, something completely unrelated to that industry.
I guess I still feel kind of foolish about the whole thing. In the words of Sophie B. Hawkins, “I try too hard and then I give up way too easily.” I get so easily discouraged. I devote so much time and space on my blog to inspirational encouraging things because I’m trying to pysche myself up to try things.
But it’s not all doom and gloom, I suppose. I’ve been improvising and playing at this keyboard for years now and I have improved dramatically. I bought a little Yamaha USB Audiogram 6 mixer so I can record things on the computer. And every now and then I’ll sit down and write something. Through the Internet it is easy to share things (say on SoundCloud or YouTube).
Where there’s life, there’s hope (I hope).
