Every weekend I go to a particular cafe, order a coffee, and sit there and watch people walk through the mall. I usually take a book to read or a notebook to scribble in. I go to that cafe not because the coffee is good (it isn’t) but simply because I can linger there for a few hours at a time without really getting in anybody’s way. It is funny too, I spend so much time telling myself I go there “for the atmosphere” but, actually, I feel painfully self-conscious in there. I don’t really fit in here. I don’t really fit in anywhere, particularly. And I wish that didn’t bother me. I wish I could sit at the front of this cafe and not look and feel like the proverbial deer in headlights, shooting apologetic looks to passers-by.
I am lonely. I know it, you know it, the staff at the cafe know it. I just don’t know what to do about it. I am quite pathetic. And it’s not a good place to start from. I just come off as needy and tragic. Anyone who is vaguely nice to me I latch onto and follow them home like a lost puppy looking for love.
I don’t know what I’m doing in any area of my life. I wanted a more meaningful career but I have no idea how to go about that. I feel talented, but what does it mean if nobody knows about my talents? I just need to cultivate some fucking self-esteem already. But again, where, how?! How the fuck is that achieved?! Because I am at my wit’s end.
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I think it’s great that you go to the cafe. When I moved my business out of the office space and into my home, I used to head out to Starbucks every day for a few hours, precisely for the reasons you stated.
I believe you once before… get a copy of What Color Is Your Parachute? and do some of the activities in there. It should help. In the mean time, make it a point to get out of the house each day and do something with people.