I discovered today that the FiveAwesomeJs channel, that I was once a part of, has been closed. It has been two weeks since I last made a video. It feels longer. In fairness I was struck down pretty badly with a cold; I couldn’t speak, let alone make videos. The truth is that illness was only a recent development, there has been something else impeding the video making process. I think, more than anything, it is my own doubts. I don’t feel what I’ve been doing has been very good. Even around the illness I set up the camera no less than six times, spending time setting it up, positioning the tripod, adjusting the white balance… and then turning it off and putting it away.
It would be easy enough to just walk away from YouTube at this point, except that is something I don’t want to do. If I thought I could, I would’ve done it by now and I wouldn’t feel so conflicted.
When I signed up for YouTube it was as if I had joined a Clown academy. There were infinitely funny clowns, staging elaborate stunts with props. And then there was me – the sad clown – sitting in the corner attempting to mime out little observations about life. As much as I like to think there is value for what I do, I realise I am but a blip on the radar. Not that that should matter. It doesn’t matter. The truth is I just don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel worthy of YouTube. I feel like a fraud. And I shouldn’t. I’ve been here for a long time. I have achieved things. I have talents. I have creativity. I hope. lol
If I can convince myself to once more face up to the camera – and I’m going to try! – there will be a lot of changes to the format of The JohnOfJordan Channel. I want to call in some favours, too. It should be magical.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
There are many ‘funny’ people on YT, I’m getting tired of the ‘funny’ people.
Gregs last blog post..The Eyes