I often wonder what people’s concept of me is… on the basis of what I post online. I have different mediums, different oulets for different things. It isn’t usually that I’m making deliberate decisions about showing some things and not showing others (except where it seems to make sense thematically, combining all the YouTube related stuff, for example).
This is really quite a long winded way of telling you (the readers of this particular blog) that it has been too long between posts. And I want to go into some detail as to why… Two things have preoccupied my time lately.
Firstly, I’ve been depressed. Much more depressed than I have been in a very long time. It feels like I try to play every game that life throws at me and there’s no hope in hell of winning at any of them. (They are clearly rigged!) My existential angst found a concrete place to land within my psyche. I actually don’t want to write about that much. I want to talk about that, and hopefully an opportunity will present itself sooner or later.
But then there’s been the other woman. I call this activity that because I’ve been kind of secretive about it and well she’s been taking up all my time lately. I decided I wanted to explore the visual arts. Infact I decided this many years ago but stalled. And then last year I said I wanted to paint… but I never did. I bought some sketching pencils, and then some watercolour pencils and some paintbrushes. Eventually I bought some acrylic paints and canvases and accessories. But then I had to work up the nerve to cover those canvases with paint. It was kind of intimidating, and I’m still fumbling my way around with it. I get frustrated at times that I can’t represent on the canvas what I want to represent. And it’s a whole other discipline, even compared to drawing. But I’ve really been enjoying the ride. I’ve been pouring over art books from the library, and watching all these tutorial videos on YouTube and elsewhere. It’s been exciting in a way that creating hasn’t been for me in such a long while. I think in some ways there’s a freedom that comes with dabbling in something you have no experience with. You can’t compare and contrast with other efforts, because there aren’t any! You can’t berate yourself and say, “Gah, you wrote something more convincing than that in the 7th grade!”
There is a certain physicality in the act of painting, something that I don’t find in writing. And I don’t feel like I’m restricted by conventions … because I don’t really know what they are and even if I did I don’t really have the technical capacity to follow them that closely anyway.
Anyway that’s all I have to say right now… Just wanted to say ‘hi.’ What have you been up to?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
John, glad to hear that you have something new to tickle your fancy. However, I really hope you take this opportunity to go and see someone about the depression you keep mentioning. My uncle and aunt suffered from depression and it was quite debilitating without help.
I have read blog for a while now, and one thing that comes to mind about you, is that in the last couple of months, you have become bolder, more willing to take risks and by doing so, i feel you have grown more wiser.
As the title of my website indicates, i haven’t been the most perkest person to be around with, i fear change therefore i try to leave things as they are, but it really doesn’t help me from feeling better. At least you are taking back some control by putting yourself out there, creating more opportunities to make it into the environment you want to be in. Every setback is a lesson, sometimes the problem is figuring out what it is.
It’s great you found something you are enjoy, there are so many possibities/variations with painting, very unlikely that you will be bored in the short term. I love colours, its amazing how the choice of colour and the way it is presented, could create various emotions on the observer.
Following your footsteps, i will be confronting my fears and have already booked myself for driving lessons, swimming lessons and scheduling myself in to attend the “Back to the 80′s” exhibit at the Powerhouse Museum….its been a while since i played arcade games like Donkey Kong and Frogger…. looking forward to it
I found talking with family/friends or counsellor(which i do), challenging my inner thoughts (very tricky) and getting myself out and about (even just to go to the corner store) helps with the depression. Just putting my two cents in, hope you don’t mind.