The Integration Of Self
I spent so much of my life apologising for existing, trying to make myself more palatable, more acceptable, to the world at large. And clearly that doesn’t work. So now I have to be myself? Oh, sure. I mean people always said that but I thought they were just being polite. So I have to be myself… but how do you do that? How do I own who I am, how do I take pride in that, how do I communicate that to others? And more generally what should I do with my life now? I made this conscious effort to stop taking societal cues. I wish I was self-directed enough to decide upon something and go after it, but that hasn’t happened yet. Instead I sit here thinking, “Now what?!” No, really. I am open to suggestions. Leave comments.
I keep having these moments in my head. They run in cycles. Infact if I was feeling more industrious tonight I would make you a flow chart. But, anyway, it goes something like this…
1. Should I tell (person x) about this?
2. It’s not that big a deal… why bring it up?
3. If it’s not such a big deal, why am I so reluctant to address it?
4. Hmmmm…
5. Repeat til fade.
It’s such an annoying holding pattern.
I wish I was more courageous. But I’m not. I need a ‘life strategy’ of some description. (Where’s Dr. Phil when you need him?!)
I think I need greater independence before I commit to this next stage in my (for want of a better word) ‘development.’
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