There’s something very naive about thinking the friends you had in high school (or university, or primary school, or whatever) will be your ‘bestest’ [sic] friends forever. Yet I keep noting some variation of this theme in my life. It is almost as if I don’t believe in change and want things to be constant. I guess, in some ways, I do. I like stability. I want things that are reliable. But life’s not really like that. In the same way you wouldn’t expect these days to keep the same job until you retire, you can’t really assume that the people you know now will be those you hold nearest and dearest in times to come.

I’m not talking about big fights or burning bridges either. It can be such a gradual thing that you might not even notice it. You’re both growing as individuals, and, perhaps, you’re also growing apart.

I’ve had this gnawing feeling for some time about one person in particular that I don’t really understand them, that I can’t get excited about what they’re excited about – and I sort of suspect the reverse is also probably true. I can go back to the beginning of the friendship and identify one thing we had in common, and I wonder is that the thread everything hinges upon?

I see some of their interactions with other people, what we might call their ‘actual’ friends. Those people get it! They really do understand. They’re as excited as the individual in question and that excitement nudges each of them on to bigger and better things. All the while I’m sitting on the sidelines wondering what happened, and why it happened.

I feel a certain amount of wistfulness about this. But I’m not sure what I can do about it. The older I get – and man, I feel old – the more I realise it is better to accept things as they are, rather than to hold on to visions of how you wish they were. There’s integrity in accepting truth. Is this settling? Perhaps…

I studied Robert Frost in high school English. ‘The Road Not Taken’ is always cited as an inspirational poem about doing something unique, about being an individual. On some level that might be true. But you have to remember that the poem is called ‘The Road Not Taken’ not ‘I Took The Road Nobody Goes On; I’m So Badass.’ For me there is something so wistful about this poem. It’s about regret. It’s about acknowledging that you can’t do it all and have it all, that you have to make decisions and by definition those decisions choose certain things to the exclusion of others.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

We ignore the sigh and go straight to ‘the difference.’ We read ‘the difference’ as ‘a vast improvement.’ But I don’t think that’s what Frost is getting at. It’s just different. He hasn’t traveled on that other road, he’ll never be in a position to compare and contrast them and decide which is better. And there will always be a part of him left wondering…

I haven’t been making videos or blogging or doing much of anything (besides, you know, the obligatory Twitter obsession) lately. At first it was because I was too sick to do much of anything. But after a while I decided that parts of my life needed some attention before I could get back to business as usual. For the most part this meant tidying up, sorting, getting rid of things, giving things away. The simple truth was that my bedroom floor had become a depository of sorts for things that I had this vague sense that I needed but didn’t know what to do with. But there’s something sort of magical about cleaning, rearranging. Somehow as you clean away the literal cobwebs, the ones in your mind seem to disappear alongside them. I don’t want to get too metaphysical, but there is a relationship between my physical space and my headspace.

Though, honestly, sometimes when you stir up dust you stir up emotions too. Last night was a particularly unfortunate example. It is pretty easy to spot my hang up. It is much harder to deal with it. I keep hoping that time will heal old wounds, but every now and then something will hit an exposed nerve and everything comes crumbling down. I’ve come to realise that the stuff in the foreground is only static. It all basically boils down to a lack of self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I don’t think I’m good enough, and potentially any snub (real or imagined) becomes fodder to justify the belief. I had hoped one person in particular would decide I was completely awesome and it didn’t happen. And it’s sad, it’s disappointing… but life needs to find a way continue. I want to acknowledge and mourn that loss, but I don’t want to make it my entire focus. It is a balancing act, I suppose.

But it feels good to be cleaning and sorting things. My clothes are actually in my wardrobe, and it is looking awesome. I can see the floor. I moved a second desk into the room so I have somewhere to write my morning pages. There’s just such a sense of possibility about everything around me. (Just writing that causes me to tear up a little. It has been such a long time since I thought anything good could exist in my life.) And there is something liberating about streamlining, about cutting back. There is something so empowering about throwing out old notebooks in the faith that I am a creative guy and I will have many more wonderful ideas in the future. I don’t need to hoarde things. The universe is bountiful. I am convinced.

I’m still working through stuff here so I am reluctant to make too many promises about the future, however I have decided just today that there WILL BE a second series of the JOJCAST. I am very much looking forward to sitting behind the microphone again.

I know I very frequently seem like a nutcase. Thank you for your kindness and patience. It is appreciated, and it is helping, I’m sure.

Over the previous two days I’ve written two drafts at this blog and have decided to publish neither of them. The reason for this is because I feel that I am actually repeating myself. In the last year particularly I found myself without a religious membership but posessing a great interest in religion as a subject matter. In some ways my religious experiences (most of which are already documented elsewhere on this blog) were unpleasant and sometimes just exploring those and the logic behind them was carthatric. In other ways I just wanted to understand why people believe the things they believe, the psychology of belief itself, and the politics of organised religion.

However I feel as though I have plateaued. My whole philosophy and belief system has crystallised in recent times and I feel that when I write about religion now it isn’t so much to explore so much as reiterate. So I would like to include a brief overview of my own understandings here and now for your benefit as much as mine and until the desire strikes me again I think I shall retire the religiously themed blog entries.

My Religious Manifesto

• There may or may not be a God, but if he/she/it exists, he/she/it doesn’t appear to communicate directly with humans.


• Because of this lack of deity-to-individual communication religion relies heavily on religious texts. These texts are archaic examples of ‘inspired literature’ that often have no obvious correlation with modern life. Interpretation and embellishment of such texts has understandably become a theological art.


• An individual’s religious understandings are shaped primarily by their own conception of their deity and associated religious figures. If you start out with the presumption that ‘God is good’ this will influence how you approach questions such as ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’ and ‘Does God love me?’ The same is true if you started out with the presumption that ‘God is vengeful.’


• The question ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ is an invitation to speculate. Another theological art, perhaps? We do not know what Jesus would do. Even if treated exclusively as a literary character his behaviour is somewhat erratic. He is just as likely to be the ‘Prince of Peace’ as he is to condemn a Fig tree.


• Religions often reflect the values and expectations of the time in which their respective religious texts were conceived in, but not always. This is a difficult thing to resolve. Slavery is now illegal, however the bible not only endorsed the idea but provided helpful tips for dealing with your slaves. Discrimination is illegal in a lot of places but most religions are completely incompatible with and intolerant of other religions. Because one religion is the ‘true’ one, all others are wrong; because one idol is the ‘true’ one, all others are false idols. Homosexuality is no longer illegal in many countries, though still a sin and a ‘threat’ in many traditions. How does an individual negiotate this hierarchy of authority? Who gets top billing?


• Until very recently your personal religion was often determined by your family’s religion which was determined by your nationality and your geography. When we were entrenched in our own local geography (we didn’t travel or communicate with those of other nationalities) organised religion served a very useful social function. It was a normalising instrument. If you were born in Afghanistan you were probably Islamic. If you were born in Brazil you were probably Christian. If you were born in Vietnam you were probably a Buddhist. If you operate from the presumption that your religion is the only true one, isn’t that a new strange form of racism? And do you truly believe your deity would say, “Oh, we like the British, the Americans and the Australians, we’ll make them Christian. Not so crazy about the Japanese…”?


• I am not suggesting anyone should have to give up their religion. Quite the contrary, I wholeheartedly believe everyone should be able to believe and practice what they feel is ultimately true for them. I would however ask that all people be sensitive and aware of the issues that surround their personal religion and religion in general. I would hope that we can cultivate a respect of all of humanity and a desire to operate in ways that benefit the social good of all, not merely those that share our same outlook. I believe in defending religious freedoms, but I emphasise that your ability to oppress other people (because you think they are wrong or sinful) is not a religious freedom.

I used to think the central flaw of religion was that it was discriminating and exclusive, though I’ve come to believe the real problem is that it is unchanging. We hear a lot about waning church participation numbers and attempts to encourage additions to congregations through charismatic performances and multimedia installations, but at its core the general lore of religion doesn’t change. And in a lot of ways, short of a visit from a deity or religious figure (say, a ‘second coming’ of Jesus), it really cannot change. All it has to work with is its remarkably old and confusing religious texts and its people’s attempts to make sense of those texts. I cannot think of another area of life that is still being governed today by the information and understanding we had several thousand years ago. Imagine if we decided to shun modern day medical procedures in favour of whatever the popular cure of the day had been back then (probably death, leeches, or some sort of human sacrifice)? As people we have grown and changed. Our world is different. Our religious texts haven’t grown and changed with us. I suppose for Biblical Fundamentalists that is desirable.

I just desire to work with what I know to be true, rather than merely what I hope to be true. I know the reality of my fellow man. I know the reality of the environment I live in. I know the reality of the technology with which I am sharing this message. It just makes more sense to me to deal with what is here and in front of me.

“I’ve been afraid of changing,” the Fleetwood Mac song goes “’cause I’ve built my world around you.”

I’ve been afraid of changing. I’ve been afraid of change; which seems incredibly ironic for an individual who was less-than-satisfied with the state of his life. I think the reason I was fearful of change – of changing – was because I was fearful more generally. I didn’t expect good things in my life. I was always scared of losing the things I currently had.

The truth is life is change. Growth is change. When you’re not changing and growing, you’re dying or stagnant. You need to let go of old things to make room for new things. Whether those things be tangible objects (the clutter in your home) or less tangible things (old ideas, beliefs, limitations, relationships).

One thing I’ve come to learn is that it is very difficult to gauge the importance of things in the moment. Friendships that seemed very important at the time tend to fade into insignificance in the larger narrative of a life. A friendship that seemed so vital in a moment may have been little more than a bridge to other friendships. (Some of my most important relationships were friends-of-friends or otherwise born out of the most unlikely sounding scenarios.)

I’m not going to pretend I can see into the future. I am not going to continue to second guess the flow of my life. I am going to choose to believe for myself that good things come into my life and that the most important relationships in my life will be maintained no matter what. But more than anything, I’m not going to ‘force’ things.

Sometimes things don’t work. Sometimes people grow apart. There is no malice there, just a more fundamental understanding that we are moving within different rhythms.

I know of at least two people who are currently ending long standing intimate relationships. Obviously there is a lot of emotion there. I would invite them both to think about this experience as a good experience, as the beginning of something better. Not because it is – because, frankly, short of spectacular divination abilities that isn’t something we can ascertain from this vantage point! But because it will put you into a better state, you will make better choices and have better thoughts – and, hopefully, be able to focus on a more important relationship; the one you with yourself.

[They may even wish to start by reading this article from Stepcase LifeHack: How To Love Yourself Even If No One Else Does.]

Finally, I choose to not feel threatened by the change and good of others. I choose instead to believe that there is plenty for all, including me, and to use them as powerful and positive examples of inspiration for attaining my own happiness.

For as long as I can remember I’ve resisted change with every ounce of my being. Change was unknown and scary. I guess I didn’t really feel like I controlled much in life, so I was determined to keep the ‘state of play’ as consistent as I could. I thought at the time it made my life easier, better. Though in hindsight I realise I wasted so much energy on trying to keep things ‘the same’ that I had created an unrealistic goal and created undue stress.

The truth is if I hadn’t dared to try new things I wouldn’t have ANY of the things that I treasure in my life. If I hadn’t one day decided to pick up CDs from my library from Chet Baker, Sophie B. Hawkins, Miles Davis, Rickie Lee Jones – can you imagine how devoid and empty my life would’ve been? If I hadn’t one day picked up a webcam from my local computer store I would’ve never had the joy of making videos and I wouldn’t have likely known any of the people who read this blog! I shudder to think how dry and boring my life would’ve been without having read the books of John A. Keel. Not to mention the things and people I would never have known as well as I do had I not decided one day to jump on a plane to Melbourne to attend the first Australian YouTube Gathering. New experiences surely enrich our lives.

The central irony of my life up until very recently was that I didn’t like where I was in my life, but still didn’t want to change. “If nothing changes,” the adage goes, “nothing changes.”

I realised there were things in my life that had outlived their usefulness but I worried about abandoning them. I worried about people judging me. I worried about the fear of the ‘unknown.’ When I discovered I could get a much better hosting arrangement for my websites at a fraction of the cost, I was excited; but I felt really guilty that I was ‘breaking up with’ my local host. “Aren’t you supposed to help the local economy?” I thought. The difference though was that in spite of that gnawing feeling I followed through and I haven’t looked back since!

I found my job unfulfilling and stressful. I decided it was so unfair that I should have to endure the conditions I was being subjected to. Though the truth was I didn’t have to put up with the status quo, I just told myself I did in order to avoid dealing with an uncertain and different situation. I resigned from my job of some five years, and you know what – the sky didn’t collapse! I wasn’t destitute. Rather, I was able to unclutter my brain of all the job related static. I was able to sit down and consider what projects I really wanted to go after. And I was able to enjoy a much better night’s sleep, too.

I had been involved with a YouTube Channel called FiveAwesomeJs for a few weeks when I became really honest with myself and decided I didn’t want to continue. There was no malice behind this decision and I love that the experience has brought me closer to some genuinely wonderful people, but I felt it wasn’t the best use of my time.

The lesson to be learnt here, surely, is of the importance of being flexible in the way you tackle life. Try new things – and if they’re not for you, try more new things! While you continue to learn and experience you can continue to grow as a human being. So my mantra for today is simply: I am open to change