A blog comment I wrote in response to a post at NoTitles:

I started writing a response to your question here yesterday but it quickly deteriorated into a miserable lament and I realised I was rather pissed off at the world, and I wasn’t sure that that was how I wanted to portray myself online.

But at any rate, to give you the general dynamics of it, I wanted to be a rockstar. Waking up at 6am on the weekends to watch pop music videos on television probably planted the seed. And then I went through that obligatory teenage high school poetry thing, only at the time Tori Amos and Alanis Morisette were there in the background and I decided I wasn’t writing poetry, I was wrting lyrics. And it was this great exploration of my own emotional terrain. But I didn’t know much about music. I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t know how to make it work. I loved to sing but even this became a secretive activity after being criticised one too many times…

Eventually I borrowed this book on music theory and composition from the library. I decided I would spend the two weeks of school holidays I had around Easter and do nothing but study that book. And it helped. I think I made more headway in those two weeks than I had in the whole rest of my teenage existence… lol. And good things flowed out of it. I eventually created a multimedia CD-ROM with original lyrics, music (notated on computer and played back through the wonder of MIDI technology), photographs and even a little video. But I really struggled with bringing the music and lyrics together. I had this CD-ROM with lyrics and music, but none of it went together.

I actually studied music business management and audio production at a university level. I knew I didn’t have the chops to be a musician, but I wanted to be involved in that industry. And those studies were amazing… I’ll never regret doing it. But when I graduated I quickly discovered that opportunities were very limited and competition was fierce. Living (then) in the most expensive city in Australia and being told that I might have to work on a ‘trial’ basis for six months for no pay was not the most inspirational thing. So I returned to my home town and took the first job I was offered, something completely unrelated to that industry.

I guess I still feel kind of foolish about the whole thing. In the words of Sophie B. Hawkins, “I try too hard and then I give up way too easily.” I get so easily discouraged. I devote so much time and space on my blog to inspirational encouraging things because I’m trying to pysche myself up to try things.

But it’s not all doom and gloom, I suppose. I’ve been improvising and playing at this keyboard for years now and I have improved dramatically. I bought a little Yamaha USB Audiogram 6 mixer so I can record things on the computer. And every now and then I’ll sit down and write something. Through the Internet it is easy to share things (say on SoundCloud or YouTube).

Where there’s life, there’s hope (I hope).

New Years; better than the old ones?

The end of one year is traditionally the time to start reflecting on that year and start planning for the next one. But frankly where I sit it all feels like much of the same. There’s only a couple of things I need to get done before 2009 ends, though those things are stressing me out.

[ad#adsense250]And then there’s the New Year’s Resolution. You know, that ritual in which you say you’re going to do one thing or not do another, fail a couple of weeks into January and then feel terrible for the rest of the month?

Astrologer Jonathan Cainer often remarks that the beginning of the new calendar year is a terrible time, astrologically speaking, to make such bold change. I tend to think it’s a terrible time of year too. I mean most people partake in much too much alcohol on December 31st. I doubt this puts you in good standing to achieve anything that requires a great feat of willpower come January 1st.

Professor Timothy Pychyl from Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, suggests it is a way of making us feel good without doing too much. In his iProcrastinate podcast, he suggests that New Year’s Resolutions can sometimes be falsely internalised aspirations because of the cultural script, the cultural expectation that you should have a New Year’s Resolution. He talks about the sheer joy you can experience just by naming your aspiration. But he also warns that without acknowledging and planning for the obstacles you’ll experience, you’re destined to fail.

Some of the things he talks about include:

• Acknowledging that you ‘won’t feel like it’ and that if it were so easily achievable, you would have achieved it already;
• Resisting the urge to ‘give in to feel good’;
• The importance of not giving up entirely even when you stumble in the short term;
• Setting up ‘implementation strategies’ (how you will achieve your outcome);
• Fitting your goal into your life using the ‘un-schedule’ (when you will work on your outcome);
• Don’t put off the actions you need to take. Don’t wait for the ‘New Year’ – just get started (now)!

I strongly suggest you check out the podcast episode. It’s a take on resolutions quite unlike any I had heard before.

Can you create your life? How much do you control your lifestyle and how much of it just ‘happens’ to you?

I guess I believe you can because I know people who lead amazingly interesting and rewarding lives. (I confess I frequently watch Sunday Arts with envy because it always showcases talented artists who are doing what they love and somehow deriving success and income from that…)

I know I’ve written about this in religious terms before (predestination versus free will), but I wanted to think about it more practically. I pulled out my notebook and wondered if I could have my life the way I wanted, what would that look like?

I identified the following desires:

• The desire to be creative. There are things I want to do and other things I want to do more frequently. And I want to learn, I want to study… I want supportive teachers and mentors.
• The desire to be social. I’m lonely. I think my trip to Brisbane made me appreciate just how lonely. I am connected with the world and I can have great conversations and exchange ideas with lots of people at any hour of the day or night, but I still have no one here I can grab a cup of coffee with.
• The desire for independence and freedom and distance. I don’t feel like I can be myself here. I am too busy fulfilling roles within different contexts.
• The desire of companionship. This differs from the social desire mentioned earlier in the sense that here I am referring an intimate companion, a lover, a partner…

There were a lot of other things on the notebook page too about scheduling (my Sunday afternoon coffee ritual, for example) and specific things I want (video camera, my own apartment).

I guess the next step is building towards those things… somehow.