Now what?
My latest video has had a whopping eight comments. (End sarcasm.) Truthfully I haven’t had such a luke warm response to something I’ve done on YouTube since I first started and had three subscribers. It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I want to preface this whole blog entry with an understanding that I am really just a man with self-esteem issues. Because it’s not really about the video. I mean, it’s a long video. Eight minutes worth. I can understand why people wouldn’t watch that. But it is also a tip of a much larger iceberg.
I’ve worked so hard to establish something on YouTube over the last two years. I truthfully don’t know why. Even in the early days it was apparent that there was little interest in things I do. I put so much into those things. That is probably the problem. I try too hard. I feel so invested. And nobody cares. It is difficult not to take that personally… I mean potentially that might be true of anyone.
I have no worth. I have no value. I don’t have the stamina to pretend otherwise. I am tempted to just chronologically list the people in my life who have made that apparent to me over the years. But even more than that I am racked with feelings of guilt about the people in my life who actually did believe me, who actually did think I might amount to something. Boy, did I prove them wrong! What a profound failure it is that sits in front of you attempting to derive meaning through inane meanderings in blogs and videos.
I am just scared. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I feel so disconnected. I don’t want to court rejection for the rest of my life. I don’t want to care for people who do not care for me. I don’t want to pour myself into writing and speeches that are met with ambivalence. It was practically the walking mantra of this blog that “What I do has value.” I don’t know if that is true or not. I don’t want to attempt to make that judgment at this hour. What I do understand is that it has not garnered an audience. I am doubting the value of the work. I am surrounded by many wonderful encouraging people who show up and read and sometimes even comment. I wonder at this point if that isn’t just a reflection of who they are – that they are wonderful encouraging people. Perhaps the work just isn’t good enough.
Perhaps I’m not good enough. I tend to think that there might be more interest if I was somebody else. I mean I’ve seen people talk about nothing-at-all and become demigods in the esteem of many. I tend to assume it is because they are good looking. Perhaps because they’re charismatic. Perhaps because they’re natural. Truthfully I have no idea. Whatever it is – they have it, I do not.
I don’t have any answers, just a heavy heart.
I don’t know if this will be of any consolation whatsoever, but I’ll say it anyway.
I can relate.
Yeah, I know. You were expecting more. Sorry. But it IS the truth. This is a theme I’ve revisited in my own way a few times over my last 40 years, though less frequently than about 15 or 20 years ago. In fact, I’d bet that most people could relate to what you said here.
At some point in your life, and there’s no way to know for certain exactly when that will be, you will care less about how others perceive you and to what level they show interest and the focus will be on just enjoying what’s in front of you for what it is.
Obnoxious free advice beginning now:
Just keep doing what you do, enjoy the company of those who are around to take part in it for however long they manage to be there, and know that when it comes to YouTube, there is widespread apathy that comes and goes. Even people with 20,000 subscribers have weeks where their uploads get no more than 900 hits and maybe less than 100 comments. Compare the percentages with your own numbers and you’ll probably see that you’re doing better than you think.
And even if there ARE tumbleweeds blowing across your page, know this: they might be refugees that I kicked out of my OWN cyber yard.
;-)
Why are there ads for Dianetics and Jesus on this page? Good grief! LOL
I’ll second what Curt has to say and add this… go out to your local book seller and get a copy of What Color Is Your Parachute? It has a lot of exercises within its pages geared to help you find out what things would appeal to you in a career sense. Give it a whirl…
Steves last blog post..Into the North…
Geez, you and I really have to sit down for a coffee, mate. :)
Maybe it is an age thing, but I found that there came a point in my life when I realised.. it doesn’t matter what other people think. What matters is what I think about the things I do, how I feel about the things I do..
You can spend your life looking for validation from other people and never getting it – or you can simply say.. from now on, I’m giving myself that validation, and bugger everyone else.
Good looking people have their own problems and issues – it isn’t everything it is cracked up to be.
We went to Greenwell Point on Saturday night, wanting a hamburger from the little blue place. On the way there, we saw a bunch of flashing lights, police, fire, ambulance. We saw they were sending traffic through a cow field. An ambulance left, the people inside both with grim looks on their faces (the fact that they were both in the front meant nobody was alive in the back).
When we finally got to drive through the cow field, we saw there were two cars which didn’t look much like cars anymore. When we drove back after dinner, we were sent back through the cow field again. The next day I found the press release on the NSW police website – both drivers died.
Life is something precious. I don’t know what happens after you “pass on” or where those drivers are now. We’re not here for a long time, that much I do know. I’ve stopped thinking that by the time I get to dying, they’ll have a cure for death. Whatever happens once one passes on I have to say, don’t you think you’re going to want to kick your own rear that you spent so much time worry about *other* people and what they thought? I know I absolutely am going to be annoyed at myself for it, and I stopped doing it a few years ago now.
Care about what *you* think. Do things that you feel are important. Don’t waste another second on this stuff. If you find yourself thinking about it, then maybe you have too much time on your hands and the best thing I have found for having too much time, the best remedy? Volunteer. Community service. In helping others, you will help yourself. I know it sounds corny and stupid.. but it works. ;)
Regardless of the lack of comments or the lack of interest.. I think you have great worth and value. And I haven’t even met you yet. But I read your blog, I read your posts, we chatted on the chat channel the other night, and *I* value you. If only *you* would value you half as much as I do.. ;)
Anyway, that’s my centage. If you’re not doing anything this weekend maybe you’d be interested in catching up with me and my better half. If so, let me know. ;)
Though what you said about 8 minute videos might be a possibility, personally I think it could also be due to the big gap between posted videos. Your following was great when you were uploading videos once or twice per week. Don’t give up lad!
Oct 31st, 2008 at 10:29 am
[...] Now what? [...]