John Lacey Gets Personal

I’ve been so prolific lately. Originally I was trying to post a blog every second day. Then I moved up to blogging every week day, and having weekend days off. Last week I couldn’t stop writing. Almost everything I had written in the previous week was finished 24 hours before being published and only because I didn’t want to make life too difficult for my dear faithful readers (you at home!). I guess I may have been spurred on by the knowledge that I was breaking a ‘blogging commandment’ by writing on the Sabbath, but the truth is words have just been flowing through my fingers since I got back from Sydney. Despite some weird social interactions, it was obviously the creative kickstart I needed.

I’ve been extending myself in other ways too. Ways I don’t wish currently to elaborate on. The reason, of course, it is so difficult to move beyond your comfort zone though is that it is so damn comfortable! I’ve been quietly reading and scheming for a while now. I kept thinking more and more about what I wanted to do and for the first time in a very long time I found myself getting excited – really, really excited. But then something happened, well actually nothing happened. Nothing outside me changed, and yet my mind was becoming increasingly clogged with doubts and fears and concerns. For the first in my life I decided what I wanted and I was going after it. There was no way the little nagging voice in the back of my head was going to take kindly to that. So for the last two days I’ve basically been nervously eating. Rather than confronting the fears, rather than taking action, I chose to eat. Hell, it was familiar. Indeed it is probably expected of me.

I couldn’t even bring myself to write in here. Monday’s post was completed on Sunday, so this is the first time I’ve actually written here since then. It is a scary feeling, putting something off because on some subconscious level you don’t believe you can do it. Or you just don’t want to do it. You don’t want to commit to a process that encourages you to stop and think and analyse your own thought processes, because you’re genuinely scared of what you might unearth.

The point is I can’t operate from a foundation of fear. But I can’t pretend I don’t have these fears. I need to acknowledge them, I need to express them, and then I need to move on and build on a more productive framework.

So no more feeling bad about obtaining what I desire. No more doubting that it is possible. No more being concerned about the reactions of other people. We can do this. It’ll be okay. Have faith.

[I'm so glad we had this little chat...]

Categories: Personal Universe
Tags: depression