This video is a moment in time and I was frustrated and disillusioned. Who am I kidding? I’m still frustrated and disillusioned, albeit in completely different ways than when I recorded this video. But in any eventuality I offer it “as is.”
But I guess this is as much as personal identity as anything. I’m sickened by who I’ve become. I want to go back to the teenager who knew everything, needed no one and who was bitter and sarcastic and cynical all of the time. I used to follow my own impulses without caring about what anybody thought. I used to relish the opportunity to do something truly oddball, genuinely thinking there was no finer compliment a person could give me than to label as ‘eccentric.’ I used to live for the weekends because they were the only times I could truly be alone and I relished this ‘alone’ time.
Now I’m so needy and pathetic. Now I need people (despite not knowing how to relate to them or how to please them). Now no matter how much I try to be myself and do my own things I’m always wondering how other people will approach the things I do and how they will think about me as a consequence. I’ve never met a social or cultural cue I haven’t tried taking. I have no personal autonomy at all. I am frustrated and emotional and friends dimiss me as ‘crazy’ or in need of therapy or some combination of the two. I feel like an idiot and yes, frankly, my own perceived intelligence is sort of central to my sense of self and my ego. So I withdraw. But I can’t withdraw entirely. Clearly I need some degree of interconnectedness. But I am feeling dismissed and marginalised by a lot of people, even people who I thought cared for and about me. And that is maddening…
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