I Choose Life

I fell off a bandwagon of sorts this morning. Somebody joked about my new haircut and I took it very badly. Not because there was anything particularly malicious about the comment itself, but because, I suppose, it cut straight into a lot of personal beliefs I had about being unattractive and unlovable.

My state deteriorated very quickly. I became defensive and then withdrew completely. I started beating myself up for being so sensitive. I started becoming concerned that I may have alienated a second friend in as many days. It was very ugly. There were a lot of negative twitter updates (all of which since deleted) and a lot of tears.

And then I stopped, and thought, and just decided I didn’t want to do that anymore.

I wrote two pages of positive affirmations and everything changed. I knew that if I was feeling rejected by others it was only because I was also rejecting myself on some level. So I took this moment to reaffirm for myself that I do love and accept myself. I decided in this moment to choose to believe that all of my relationships were harmonious.

And magic happened! Just changing what I chose to focus on and believe in had dramatic flow on effects for everything else I did afterwards. I felt less scared and more powerful and secure, and this changed how I presented myself and used my voice. I went from being meek and humble to being commanding. I went into town and people reacted to me in new and marvelous ways.

I guess to anyone who reads this blog often, this might seem repetitive. It is just that as someone who was pretty habitually pessimistic and depressed, I am excited to discover something that works for me. I am excited about the possibilities. I am excited about my future. I am excited to discover that I am actually a pretty awesome human being. So please just indulge me a little while longer.