I dropped what I thought were a lot of less-than-subtle hints about an exciting thing on the horizon. They were lost on the person I was talking to.
I entered [stickam] rooms, but couldn’t shake a general feeling of being ignored, of being insignificant. I left.
I tried reading a book. Napoleon Hill’s words seem more rigid than I remembered. I put the book down.
I still felt oddly compelled to read. I thought I’d visit my local library. Although on arrival I discovered it closed at 7pm – and not 8pm as my cognitive faculties preferred to believe.
With every passing day I’m feeling more and more an unfortunate parody of myself. My support structures are falling to an abyss, if not disappearing completely. For every new subscriber I get on youtube, I seem to lose two existing ones. You know you’re becoming irrelevant when even YOU can’t bring yourself to watch your own videos.
The truth is I’m hopelessly out of my depth. I’m not funny. I’m not candid. I’m not profound. I don’t do social commentary. I feel like I have less idea what I’m doing than when I first started making them…. and back then, I could barely piece together a sentence.
I am worried that nobody would even notice if I fell off the side of the earth.
I used to think my work actually meant something. I used to think it moved people. I used to think it moved one particular person. Of course I was just being naive and hopeful. Like when you mistake someone’s friendly deamour at a cash register for flirting when it is how they interact with everyone.
Two of my most favourite youtubers closed their accounts this week. One was only a momentary thing; they came back reborn as someone else. The other seems more permanent. And more troubling. I stop at this point to STRESS the fact that I wouldn’t even be on youtube if it weren’t for them. They were my first subscriber. They urged me to make videos even when it felt like pulling teeth. And now they’re gone. Just like that.
The whole week though was punctuated by a great personal tragedy of one of my friends. I don’t want to talk about it… and yet, I do. I don’t know if I should. They are entitled to their privacy. But, man, the world seems a sadder place this week. And I just want to do something to restore the balance, to somehow make it better again. But I can’t bring back what was lost. It is beyond my meagre powers.
Everything is up in the air. I wish I could feel excited about future possibilities, though right now I’m just mourning what came before me. I need something stable, something solid, to grasp right now. Something I can rely on.
