[Disclaimer: There are a lot of trite cliches in this blog post and sadly they're not even used in ironic ways. I blame the hour.] If there’s one thing that characterises me it would be my tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. If I’m happy you know about it. If I’m miserable you’ll know about that too. I sometimes feel bad that I am so transparent. Usually after I’ve made some declaration of affection that is met with resistance or ambivalence. I’ve put all my cards upon the table, I suddenly have little mystery and you have all the data on me you need. And that’s fine. I don’t care. If you want to take that information and use it to manipulate me that is your prerogative. I don’t think in that regard I will change much. And I don’t really care about that either. It is what it is. I am too old to change. The thing that I struggle with is the disparity between people telling me to ‘be myself’ only to turn around and tell me to ‘play it cool’ or ‘man up’ or whatever… It has actually reached rather comical heights, to the extent that many of the people have who were championing the be yourself idea have decided that my being myself is probably a symptom of mental illness. No, really. It is difficult not to be a little insulted by that.
But maybe I’ve dropped the ball too. I mean how can these people who I’ve spent so much time with know so little about me? And is it really that awful to be emotional, to express emotional responses to stimuli in your life? To me if I am sad it is important that I articulate that sadness. If I am angry that needs an outlet too. I learnt this the hard way, through a childhood of suppressing and ignoring things until they did drive me crazy. And it was how I first became creative as a teenager. My art was entirely about exploring and mapping my own emotional landscape. Is that really so awful? At the time it was quite profound, it gave my life meaning. And I guess it continues to give my life meaning.
I can understand the desire to want to ‘fix’ people and problems. I guess it is quite pragmatic. But frankly it feels like you’re just fobbing me off. And maybe you are. I mean, that’s okay too. All I know is I’m being harrassed to do something on a daily basis that I do not want to do, and do not intend to do, and that I’ve gone from being able to tell you anything to wanting to tell you know nothing. I’m a little sad and disappointed about that too. But it is what it is, I suppose. I don’t know what I can do about it.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I am very much like you John. I too wear my heart on my sleeve (literally and figuratively!) and express myself openly when it comes to my emotions.
One thing I have learnt is that I am not broken and I do not need to be “fixed”. I am who I am, I have my own goals to be the best I can be for me, not for anyone else. There will always be people who don’t like that, and don’t like me, and that’s ok. People don’t have to like me, nor do I have to like them.
For what it’s worth, I like you John. I like your openness and honesty of emotion. It’s refreshing in a world where people put on a game face to present to the world.
Just keep being you, and if you want to make changes to you or sort stuff out in your head, you do that for you and not anyone else.
You would be surprised how your blog brings comfort and hope to others, especially me. I agree with Kath, I like how you tell things as it is, in an age now where everything needs to be “polly-anna happy” and perfect, being able to discuss your vunerabilites is a huge thing.
Your honesty allowed me to accept my flaws cause it validates my emotions and thoughts as being normal, that other people go through it too. It’s an honor that you allowed us into your world and you are fine just the way you are.
P.S. I hope your feelings of being smitten will continue like the song that never ends (reference: Lamb Chop Play Along)