Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes….
I haven’t been making videos or blogging or doing much of anything (besides, you know, the obligatory Twitter obsession) lately. At first it was because I was too sick to do much of anything. But after a while I decided that parts of my life needed some attention before I could get back to business as usual. For the most part this meant tidying up, sorting, getting rid of things, giving things away. The simple truth was that my bedroom floor had become a depository of sorts for things that I had this vague sense that I needed but didn’t know what to do with. But there’s something sort of magical about cleaning, rearranging. Somehow as you clean away the literal cobwebs, the ones in your mind seem to disappear alongside them. I don’t want to get too metaphysical, but there is a relationship between my physical space and my headspace.
Though, honestly, sometimes when you stir up dust you stir up emotions too. Last night was a particularly unfortunate example. It is pretty easy to spot my hang up. It is much harder to deal with it. I keep hoping that time will heal old wounds, but every now and then something will hit an exposed nerve and everything comes crumbling down. I’ve come to realise that the stuff in the foreground is only static. It all basically boils down to a lack of self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I don’t think I’m good enough, and potentially any snub (real or imagined) becomes fodder to justify the belief. I had hoped one person in particular would decide I was completely awesome and it didn’t happen. And it’s sad, it’s disappointing… but life needs to find a way continue. I want to acknowledge and mourn that loss, but I don’t want to make it my entire focus. It is a balancing act, I suppose.
But it feels good to be cleaning and sorting things. My clothes are actually in my wardrobe, and it is looking awesome. I can see the floor. I moved a second desk into the room so I have somewhere to write my morning pages. There’s just such a sense of possibility about everything around me. (Just writing that causes me to tear up a little. It has been such a long time since I thought anything good could exist in my life.) And there is something liberating about streamlining, about cutting back. There is something so empowering about throwing out old notebooks in the faith that I am a creative guy and I will have many more wonderful ideas in the future. I don’t need to hoarde things. The universe is bountiful. I am convinced.
I’m still working through stuff here so I am reluctant to make too many promises about the future, however I have decided just today that there WILL BE a second series of the JOJCAST. I am very much looking forward to sitting behind the microphone again.
I know I very frequently seem like a nutcase. Thank you for your kindness and patience. It is appreciated, and it is helping, I’m sure.
John, periodically we just need to shut down and give our attention to those areas that need it. I’m glad you’re taking the time to do so. When you’re ready, I’m looking forward to reading and hearing you more.
This is the first time I’ve commented on one of your posts, John. I often have similar feelings to those you expressed in your post, I am lacking a source of motivation or encouragement at the moment, but I continue to venture on in search of a new one.
I enjoy cleaning out everything and getting rid of older, unneeded things – it makes everything that remains feel newer and refreshed.
I look forward to your next post, and by the way, I love the way you write, I hope that with time my writing will improve to be as complex and meaningful as yours.